Mess
by Caylen
Summary: Holly J is having a harder time than she thought she would adjusting to life at Yale.  After a particularly tough night, she finds herself missing her best friend more than ever.  Folly J.
1. Not the Same

**Mess**

_Chapter 1: Not The Same_

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><p>Holly J stared at her computer screen blankly, scrolling through her email even though she'd already read all of her messages.<p>

It was late Friday night and here she was, alone in her dorm room. She clicked on her most recent email from Fiona.

_Hey HJ,_

_Miss you. I've been keeping busy at Degrassi and you'd be proud of all the friends I'm making. I'm planning this big event for the new semester and it's taking up all my time, so I'm sorry we haven't gotten a chance to Skype lately. I've been neglecting keeping in touch with Declan too, so tell him Hi for me if you see him. I bet you're even busier than me though, with all your new classes, new college friends, parties and whatnot. Anyway, got to get back to work! Talk to you soon!_

_Love,_

_Fi_

Holly J hadn't responded. She didn't know what to write back. She egotistically had thought that'd she'd be the queen on the campus, making friends and getting involved, as usual. In fact, she was certain she'd be the one having an easier time adjusting to life without her best friend; yet, here she sat, pathetically alone in her dorm while Fiona was having a great time at Degrassi.

She heard a noise at her door and glanced over to see the knob turn. Her roommate, Jessica, burst into the room clumsily, her hand clutching the front of a boy's shirt and her mouth covering his, pulling him into the room behind her.

"Oh, Holly, you're here," Jessica said disappointedly.

"It's Holly _J_," she emphasized, annoyed. "And –Declan?" Holly J stood up from her chair, shocked as Jessica's boy of the night was revealed to her through the doorway.

"Oh –Holly J!" he yelped, disconnecting himself from her roommate. "I didn't know you lived –wait, I can explain!"

Holly J had already begun to stuff the essentials into her bag. Wallet, phone, keys, a change of clothes, and lastly she shammed her laptop shut and thrust it into the satchel. "Don't bother, Declan," she muttered angrily, pushing past him through the doorway. "Have a _great_ night with Jess," she called behind her, her voice dripping with disdain.

Holly J marched down the hall quickly trying to avoid what she was expecting to happen next.

"Holly J!" Declan called after her and she could hear his footsteps coming up behind her. He grabbed her arm, whipping her around to face him. "Please, let's talk about this," he said, out of breath.

"What's there to say, Declan?" she asked irritably, ripping away her arm from his grip and resumed her walk down the hall.

He ran in front of her, blocking her from going any further. "You've been so distant lately, HJ. And we're not officially together or anything–"

"And we never will be, not ever again," she interrupted, making the statement firm.

"But I didn't hold it against you when you were with Sav…" Declan tried.

Holly J shook her head in disbelief. "Declan, this is not the same! I thought we had an understanding!" she yelled at him.

"But lately you've been ignoring me," he explained. "I've been trying to get ahold of you, but –"

"Look," she stopped him again. "When we talked a couple weeks ago I told you I needed some time. I wasn't sure if it was right for us to get back together right away or not, and I knew if I started spending too much time with you that things would probably speed up really fast and I didn't want that. I wanted to start Yale off myself and make my own friends first." She looked at him, her eyes tearing up. She hadn't been able to make friends on her own, and now this had happened. She couldn't help but think her life was a mess.

"I'm so sorry, Holly J," Declan looked remorseful. "I'm such an idiot; I promise it'll never happen again. I'll give you all the time you need."

She rubbed her forehead, which was now pounding; his begging wasn't helping matters. "No, Declan. We're over, for good this time. I thought you had changed, but here you are, back to hooking up with random chicks. I need to get out of here. Please don't follow me."

Holly J walked around him and this time Declan didn't stop her. She went to the elevator and took a deep breath as the doors closed. She let out the tears that she had held in during their conversation. Holly J always needed to be seen as so strong; she could let herself cry in front of Declan.

Holly J walked to her car, turned the keys in the ignition, and started to drive. She didn't care that it was already midnight. She didn't care that it would take her all night to get there. She needed her best friend now.

She turned on the radio to drown out her racing thoughts.

_You see them drop like flies from the bright sunny skies  
>They come knocking at your door with this look in their eyes<br>You've got one good trick and you're hanging on, you're hanging on..._

You took the word and made it heard  
>And eased the people's pain and for that<br>You were idolized, immortalized  
>And you were not the same after that<p>

_-Ben Folds, Not the Same_

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><p><em>Please Read and Review if you think I should continue!<em>


	2. Desire

**Mess**

_Chapter 2: Desire_

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><p>Holly J pulled up to the gas pump at the rest stop on the side of I-290. As she stood next to her car in the chilly air, filling her tank, she wondered if she had overreacted when she decided to take this trip. Yale had been getting to her, and yes, Declan had pushed her over the edge, but she couldn't help but worry that Fiona wouldn't even be all that happy to see her when she got there. Nevertheless, she was already more than halfway through her drive and there was no sense in turning back now. The roads were deserted and peaceful in the pitch dark of the early morning and Holly J liked that feeling. She got back in her car and drove, still somehow awake after all that had happened.<p>

Holly J parked in the Degrassi lot, knowing Fiona would already be at school. It had taken her all night to get there, and now that she had arrived, she wasn't sure what to do. She didn't want to just text Fiona, she wanted to see her. Just sitting in her car, Holly J felt foolish.

The faint sound of a bell rang, and Holly J knew it was her chance. She darted out of the car, and over to the front steps of the school. She ran through the doors and headed to Fiona's locker where she just hoped she'd be able to find her friend exchanging her books.

As Holly J rushed down the halls, she felt funny being back in Degrassi. She noticed odd glances from familiar Grade 11s, now clad in blue polos.

Then she spotted her from behind, dark curls and fashionable shoes. "Fiona!" Holly J called.

Fiona turned; she carried a few books in her arms and seemed to be heading to class, already having visited her locker. Her eyes widened at the sight of Holly J, who was a mess, having stayed up all night.

"Holly J? Oh my god, what are you doing here?" Fiona looked shocked, as Holly J had expected her to.

Holly J smiled at Fiona for a moment. God, she had missed her. "Can we go somewhere and talk?" Holly J asked, finally reaching her friend, slightly out of breath.

"Yeah, of course, I didn't feel like going to history today anyway," Fiona joked, grabbing Holly J arm. "My mom's out of town, back to my loft?"

"Perfect," Holly J said.

The girls got in Holly J's car and drove out of the parking lot.

"Okay, so now can you tell me what on earth you're doing here?" Fiona pried.

"You don't sound all that happy to see me," Holly J evaded.

"Of course I am," Fiona assured her, touching her shoulder lightly. Holly J blushed, and tried to focus on the road. "You _know_ I am, Holly J, I've missed you _so_ much."

Holly J couldn't help but smile, even though she had fished for the comment from Fiona.

"I've missed you too," she said softly. That was an understatement, but Holly J felt embarrassed to be the one who had a harder time being without her friend.

Once they arrived at Fiona's, Holly J had a harder time evading Fiona's questioning.

"Sit with me," Fiona instructed, patting the seat on the couch next to her lightly.

Holly J obeyed, sitting down beside Fiona. She sat primly, and glanced up at Fiona, silent. She knew she would have to explain why she was here, but she didn't want to. Holly J didn't want to think about it, she just wanted to forget about it.

"Now, tell me, what happened? Something clearly happened to make you drive all night to get here," Fiona stated frankly, after a few moments of silence. She leaned back in her seat, putting a hand behind her head; it was her 'I'm ready to listen' stance that Holly J recognized all too well.

Holly J looked down. "Fiona…" she said. "I'd rather not get into it."

"Come on, Holly J, you know you can tell me anything," Fiona told her sympathetically. "Maybe I can help."

Holly J's gaze fell back on Fiona. She smiled slightly; Fiona's concern made Holly J feel loved. She had forgotten how Fiona had the ability to make her feel like she mattered so easily. She looked at her for longer than what was socially appropriate, and she knew Fiona would probably notice.

"Um, do I have something on my face or something?" Fiona asked, looking a bit uncomfortable.

Holly J looked away, blushing. "No, believe me, you look perfect," she mumbled quietly.

"Well, thank you," Fiona said, with a tone of surprise. "Are you sure you don't want to talk?"

"I'm sorry," Holly J sighed. "I know I'm being weird."

"I never said you were being weird," Fiona corrected, smugly. "I just wish I could help you with whatever's going on."

"I know," Holly J glanced at her again, giving her a look of appreciation. "I'm just not sure talking about it is going to help me." Holly J felt so scorned by Declan, and she didn't feel like reliving it by retelling the story to his sister.

Fiona moved closer to Holly J, reaching out for her hand and clutching it. "Then we don't have to talk. Whatever you need, I'm here."

Fiona was clearly just trying to comfort her friend, but Holly J felt a flutter in her stomach as Fiona's fingers wrapped around her hand.

Holly J knew what she needed–to stop feeling like she was an unwanted loser. She could think of one thing that would definitely make her feel better. Knowing this time she wouldn't be able to stop herself, she looked once again into Fiona's eyes before she leaned in to her briskly, meeting her lips. She kissed her softly, her hands still held tightly by Fiona.

Fiona kissed her back immediately, to Holly J's relief. She let go of Holly J's hands, moving them to cradle her face. Holly J opened her mouth, deepening their kisses.

"I've wanted this for so long," Fiona told her in between kisses, her breath ragged. The butterflies in Holly J's stomach were suddenly replaced with a pang of guilt. Was she doing this for the right reasons? She knew how Fiona felt about her in the past. Had she driven all the way up here to use Fiona so she would feel better about herself?

Holly J pulled away. "I'm so sorry, Fiona, I can't do this to you," she whimpered. She felt like a terrible person. "I should go." Holly J started to get up, but Fiona stopped her, grabbing her arm.

"No, Holly J, please don't go," Fiona begged. "It's okay if you're confused by all this, we can stop, just please stay with me."

Holly J sat back down with Fiona, her eyes welling up with tears. "It's not that–I want to keep kissing you, but you deserve better than me, I'm–"

Fiona cut her off as her lips crashed into hers. Holly J couldn't resist, she knew she should tell her about Declan and her reasons for wanting to be with her, but instead she kissed Fiona back passionately. She wrapped her arms around her, pulling her as close as possible. Holly J glided her tongue into Fiona's mouth, entangling it with Fiona's. As Fiona ran her fingers through her hair, she moaned and tugged at Fiona's shirt, wanting it off. Fiona more than willingly obliged, pulling the polo over her head and throwing it aside, leaving her in a tight white camisole with lace at the top. Holly J kissed her neck and Fiona began unbuttoning Holly J's shirt.

"Should we go in your room?" Holly J asked, breathing heavily.

"Oh, um, sure–if you want to," Fiona stammered.

"I want to; I want you," she whispered. Holly J was high on the feeling she got from being with Fiona and she wanted more. Holly J stood up, grabbed Fiona's hand and pulled her up, leading her to the other girl's bedroom. Holly J pushed the door open, and they stood in front of her bed for a moment.

"I love you so much, Holly J," Fiona told her, her eyes wide.

This time Holly J didn't even feel the pang of guilt in her stomach, she was too far indulged in her desire. She didn't say anything; she just kissed Fiona, pushing her back onto the bed as she did so. Fiona slid her body backward on the bed as Holly J climbed on top of her, pressing herself against Fiona as she unbuckled her belt.

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><p><em>Please review!<em>


	3. So Long

**Mess**

_Chapter 3: So Long_

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><p>Holly J lay in Fiona's bed, staring at the ceiling. She hadn't expected this to happen. Her clothes were spread all over the bedroom and her lips were swollen from kissing every inch of Fiona's body. Fiona's head lay on her bare shoulder; she could feel her breathing become more even. Holly J adjusted the sheet covering her slightly, pulling it over her chest completely, her arms laying over it.<p>

"That was amazing," Fiona exhaled, smiling up at Holly J. She crawled up toward her and kissed her lips softly.

"Yeah, it really was," Holly J agreed, almost in disbelief. She stared up at the ceiling again, trying to make sense of all that had happened. It had all felt so good; she had never felt more alive. But now that it was over, she didn't know how to feel.

"Are you okay?" Fiona asked her, noticing Holly J's spacing out.

"I have to be honest with you Fi," she looked at her seriously. "I didn't come here thinking this would happen. I came here because I was upset and I just wanted my best friend to help me feel better."

Fiona propped up her chin on her hand. "What were you upset about?" she asked curiously.

"Declan," Holly J winced, afraid of how Fiona would react. "He came home with my roommate and it just made me so angry that he could do that to me, I thought he wanted to be with me."

"So you still want to be with Declan?" Fiona asked, her voice shaky.

Holly J could tell Fiona's eyes were welling up; she felt terrible. "No," she insisted, "I just thought that he and I– I don't know, I thought maybe…"

"No, I get it," Fiona spoke, her voice much colder. "Well I hope your best friend made you feel better, since that's what you came for." Fiona roughly got out of bed and Holly J, despite her concern, couldn't help but take notice of her nude form as she grabbed for her robe.

"Fiona!" Holly J pleaded, swiftly sitting up, bringing the sheet with her, clutching it. "Wait! I didn't come here for that, you have to believe me, it just kind of happened!"

Fiona tied her robe brusquely and turned around to face Holly J. "No, it's my fault for thinking you'd actually want to be with me because you loved me or something," Fiona's voice broke.

Holly J sat wide-eyed, full of guilt. The look in Fiona's eyes was heartbreaking; she couldn't believe that she had been the one to cause it. Simply seeing what she had done to Fiona, Holly began to feel tears forming her own eyes. "I'm so sorry, Fiona."

"Well as long as you're sorry," Fiona shook her head, angrily. Her tears were now streaming down her face. "I thought I could trust you, Holly J. That was my first time for god's sake!" Fiona gave Holly J one last painful look, then stormed out of the bedroom, slamming the door behind her.

The guilt punched Holly J in the stomach even harder; she couldn't speak. She scrambled out of the bed, searching the room for her clothes, throwing them on hastily as she found them. Once dressed, she walked to the door and opened it slowly, peeking out, suddenly afraid to go out and face Fiona. She didn't know what she could possibly do to make this up to her. Holly J had hurt a lot of people in her life, but she had never felt worse than she did at this moment for something she'd done.

She spotted Fiona sitting on the couch, her face in her hands. Holly J approached her silently, sitting down next to her. Holly J hesitated to say anything; she just watched Fiona for a minute, then reached out to her, putting her hand on her shoulder.

Fiona looked over at her, her face red from crying. "How could you do this to me?" she asked.

Holly J took a deep breath and she grabbed Fiona's hand. "I feel horrible; I will do anything to make it up to you." Holly J's tears were now falling, she couldn't hold them back. "I know I don't deserve your forgiveness, but Fiona, I need you in my life. I'm so messed up right now."

Fiona pulled her hand away from Holly J. "You're so selfish, Holly J," she told her furiously. She got up from the couch, distancing herself from Holly J's touch. "Do you care about me at all? Or is it just all about you and what you need?"

"Fiona, I didn't mean it like that," Holly J explained, surprised by her reaction. "I do care about you; I care about you a lot." She wanted to convince her, but she didn't know how.

"No," Fiona shook her head. "You knew how I felt about you, Holly J. You knew if you came onto me that I'd want to be with you. If you actually cared about me you would not have done this to me; you used me to make yourself feel better! You don't care about anyone but yourself!"

Holly J was crying harder. "You're right, Fiona, I'm a horrible person. I'm so, so sorry!" Holly J stood up and went to Fiona, wrapping her arms around her, hugging her tightly.

Fiona stood stiffly, her arms at her side. Holly J pulled back, wanting to respect that Fiona didn't want to hug her right now. She paused as she let go of Fiona, looking at her through damp eyes. Fiona was staring at her intensely. Her eyes were full of sadness, anger, and lust all at once. She leaned forward and caught Holly J's lips. She kissed her hard, and grabbed her face roughly. Holly J was caught off guard, but kissed her back eagerly. The kiss was much more intense than the ones they shared earlier, because it was driven by Fiona's anger. After a few seconds, she abruptly broke away.

"No, no, no! This is all so confusing! One minute we're making out, the next we're having sex, _incredible _sex, then we're fighting, and now this! " Fiona told her. "I just can't be around you right now, I can't even think around you!" She took a deep breath, calming herself down. "Holly J, I need you to leave, please."

Holly J stood still. "Okay," she said quietly. "If that's what you want. But before I go, I think you should know that since I've been away, I think about you all the time. It been really confusing for me and it's a big part of the reason I didn't get back together with Declan when we first got to Yale, even though he wanted to and a part of me did too. I know I messed up, but I think there's a reason what happened between us felt so amazing. I think it's because I have real feelings for you. I'm just so sorry that I rushed into things for the wrong reason." Holly J walked to the door of the loft, opening it. She turned around to look at Fiona before leaving, and saw that she was still frozen in her stance. "Bye Fiona," she said solemnly, closing the door behind her.

Holly J walked to her car, keeping her composure. She got in, clutched the wheel tightly, and began to cry. "You're so fucking stupid," she growled at herself, slamming her head into the wheel. Holly J feared she had lost the best friend she'd ever had.


	4. Writing to Reach You

**Mess**

_Chapter 4: Writing to Reach You_

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><p>Holly J turned the key in the ignition. "So <em>fucking<em> stupid," she muttered again.

She'd never been angrier with herself. How could she have been so thoughtless? Fiona was right; Holly J had only thought of herself, she hadn't even considered how she could've hurt Fiona.

Holly J sat motionless in the seat, not sure what she should do next. Her vision was clouded by her tears and she felt too emotional and physically exhausted to make it all the way back to Yale.

She finally put the car in gear, knowing and dreading where she had to go. She drove the mile and a half to get there, then found a parking spot near the rear of the building. She walked upstairs, and took out her key to let herself into the "depressing apartment."

"Mom?" she called timidly. Holly J knew she wouldn't be home yet, and she felt somewhat relieved when no one responded. She went to her room and immediately retreated under her covers. It was warm and an escape, at least for a little while. She shut her eyes, but Holly J couldn't turn her mind off. She thought about how good it had felt to be with Fiona, how nice her lips felt against hers, how her body seemed to fit against hers perfectly. A wave of sadness washed over her as she came to realize that she had likely ruined her chances of ever getting to feel that way again.

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><p>"Holly J?"<p>

Holly J slowly opened her eyes to see her mother standing in the doorway of her room. She had somehow gotten to sleep, but she still felt so exhausted, it was hard to open her eyes.

"What on earth are you doing here?" she asked, both annoyance and concern in her voice.

"Mom," she mumbled. "I-I drove here last night." Holly J forced herself to sit upward. "I'm sorry. I've just been homesick." It wasn't untrue, and Holly J was in no state to discuss anything further.

Mrs. Sinclair came and sat on the bed next to her daughter. "You drove here all night?" she said wide-eyed. "I'm sorry you are feeling homesick, sweetie, but you can't just up and leave school in the middle of the week. What about your classes?"

"It's Friday, Mom," Holly J sighed. "I don't have any classes today. Not until Monday."

"Oh," her mother paused. "Well then. You could've given me a heads up though, you gave me the impression everything was going great at Yale."

Holly J shrugged. "It is. I just also missed it here," she stated simply. Holly J had told her mom that she had made a lot of new friends to keep her from worrying. "But I'm really tired from the drive, is it okay if I go back to bed for a little while?"

Her mother's face softened a little and Holly J figured she had succeeded in calming her concerns. "Sure," she told her, giving her hand a squeeze. Holly J smiled at her as she left the room, closing the door behind her.

Holly J's smile quickly faded as she looked around for her phone, which she found in her purse and it was dead. She got out of bed to plug it in, impatiently waiting to find out if she had missed a text or call from Fiona.

Nothing.

Holly J flopped back down on her bed, crawling back under her blanket. This time she drifted quickly back to sleep.

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><p>Holly J awoke on her own. The room was dark. She reached out for her clock then picked it up to get a better view of the time. 1:37 AM. "Great," she muttered. She'd slept all day and now she'd be up all night.<p>

Holly J just lay awake in her bed for a while. She pondered the day's events, needing to sort through what had happened. Fiona was her best friend, but it was becoming all too clear to her that she was much more than that. Holly J felt odd admitting it to herself, but there was an attraction there. Fiona was beautiful, Holly J had always known that much. But she had thought of it as more of a fact and that everyone knew Fiona was beautiful, when in actuality Holly J personally found her more desirable than most anyone else. It was easier for her to admit now, simply because it was somewhat obvious after what had happened between them. Holly J had found herself wanting to explore every part of her. She loved how soft and smooth she felt and she couldn't help but stare in awe at her naked body. She felt more pleasure in their one time together than she ever had with Declan. It was so different; Fiona had been so generous and determined to satisfy her and it made Holly J want to gratify her that much more in return. It had been so intense and passionate, but at the same time it felt natural and right.

Holly J had started to consider her feelings for Fiona while she was at Yale, since she recognized how much she missed the girl. She had thought about what it would be like to kiss her, but she had tried to brush it off as pure curiosity. Declan had wanted them to get back together, but Holly J couldn't get his sister off her mind, she thought about her all the time. Now it was clear. She was in love with Fiona Coyne.

Upon this realization, Holly J sat up quickly and slid out of her bed. She went to check her phone to see if Fiona had contacted her, but had no messages or missed calls. She went to her bag and pulled out her laptop and booted it up, running her fingers mindlessly through her hair as she waited.

Opening her browser, she clicked on her email account. Inbox (1). New Message. Fiona Coyne. Holly J's eyes flicked quickly over the text and she felt her heart skip a beat when she saw Fiona's name. She scrambled to click the message.

_Holly J,_

_I hate how we left things. I know I asked to you leave, but I can't stop thinking about you. Are you okay? You hurt me Holly J, but I'm still worried about you. I'm writing instead of calling you because I'm afraid if I hear your voice I'll lose all my sense again. I'm not sure where we go from here. Things are more than a little complicated now. But I need to fix things between us. What happened between us was a big deal and I can't just forget about it, for a lot of reasons. I'm still upset with you, but you're too important to me to write off, ever. So let's find a way to work this out, okay? I don't know how or when I'm going to forgive you and move past this yet, but I just need you to know that I want to._

_Love always,_

_Fi_

Holly J's eyes watered; she was touched. She couldn't believe how amazing Fiona was. She wanted so badly to call her and talk to her right at that moment. Instead, she settled on emailing her back, knowing it was the smarter choice.

_Fiona,_

_I want nothing more than to find a way to work this out; thank you so much for giving me the chance. I know I don't deserve it and you can take all the time you need. You are so incredible; you never cease to amaze me. I'm still in town, staying with my parents. I'd love to talk to you tomorrow (today) if you'd like to. I've had some time to think today and in addition to the many apologies I owe you, there are a few other things I really need to tell you as well. Please text/call/email if you want to meet up. Thank you so much, Fiona. I'm so glad you wrote and I'm so lucky to have you in my life._

_Love,_

_HJ_

Holly J took a deep breath, hitting send, while hoping for the best. It was going to be a long night.


	5. Somewhere In Between

**Mess**

_Chapter 5: Somewhere in Between_

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><p>Holly J spent the night online, much like many of her night spent at Yale. She logged onto Facerange and looked at Fiona's profile. She looked at old pictures of the two of them: one's from their little prom party, the dance she'd gone to with Fi and Anya, pictures they'd taken just hanging around in Fiona's apartment, and even one's from New York of she, Jane, Fiona and Declan. Holly J was definitely worried that her friendship with Fiona was going to change, but at the same time she wanted it to. She continued to click through Fiona's pictures and came across a recent one of her, Eli, and Imogen at the school event Fiona had told her she'd planned. She felt a twinge of insecurity that Fiona had her new friends and perhaps didn't need her anymore. She knew that Fiona still loved her, which at this point was all Holly J could hold onto, along with her email, to keep her sanity. But she still couldn't help but worry that she might change her mind. After all, she couldn't even blame Fiona if she didn't want her anymore. Holly J knew she'd been selfish and hadn't even thought out how she felt about Fiona before she showed up out of nowhere, taking something so special away from her without even giving it a thought.<p>

"What is wrong with me?" she muttered through gritted teeth. She clutched her face with her palm. After weeks and weeks of confusion, she finally knew what she wanted. But she also knew that she didn't deserve to be with Fiona. Holly J had always been one to find someone else to blame, but as she sat in her room, she knew lying to herself wouldn't make it any better. She'd never been more disappointed in herself.

A chat box popped up on her screen.

Declan Coyne: I'm really sorry, Holly J.

Her eyes widened in surprise for a moment, but then her anger took over.

'Just leave me the fuck alone, Declan' she sent back, then shut her laptop hostilely. She couldn't deal with talking to him; she knew he'd just make her feel even more like shit, like he always did. She collapsed onto her bed and laid awake for what felt like hours. She couldn't sleep anymore, so she obsessed about what Fiona might write back to her instead.

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><p>Holly J heard a familiar ping while caused her to lunge at her cell phone. She was desperate to hear back from Fiona. Holly J clicked on the message, beaming as she saw it was from her.<p>

_I don't think I'm ready to talk just yet, I need more time. I'm still too angry to see you. Plus, I already have plans tomorrow – meeting up with friends at the Dot. I'll call when I'm ready._

Her smile faded quickly. Holly J couldn't help but think of this as a sign that she'd changed her mind. What if she never wanted to speak to her again? She had to find a way to talk to her.

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><p>Holly J sat at a table by herself in the far corner of The Dot. She had her back facing the door and she wore a green hat to hide her uniquely colored hair. She took a sip of her tea, feeling completely pathetic while waiting for Fiona to show up. She had a book open in front of her, but couldn't focus her mind long enough to read anything. She'd already been there an hour and had no idea how much longer she'd have to wait.<p>

She spotted Imogen walk through the door and take a seat on the opposite side of the café. Holly J covertly glanced in her direction. It looked like she was waiting for someone since she hadn't gone to the counter to order something for herself. Sure enough, moments later, Fiona and Eli walked in together, joining Imogen at the table. Luckily, Fiona sat across from Imogen, her back turned from Holly J. She hadn't noticed her.

Holly J wasn't sure what she should do. It looked like Fiona was having a good time with her friends, laughing and joking around. Suddenly she realized just how terrible of an idea it was for her to have come here. She couldn't just walk up to Fiona after she specifically asked her for more time. She pulled her hat down lower, now panicking that Fiona might see her. She pulled a few dollars out of her wallet to cover her bill then slowly and noiselessly tried to get up from her chair.

"Hey, isn't that Holly J Sinclair over there?" Imogen asked. Holly J froze. She knew when she turned her head she'd inevitably be meeting Fiona's gaze.

Fiona had turned around in her seat, and when Holly J looked over at their table, she noticed all three pairs of eyes on her.

Holly J felt mortified. Now Fiona was only going to hate her more.

"Seriously, Holly J?" she asked incredulously. "What, so you're spying on me?" She looked furious as she glanced up at her ridiculous hat.

Holly J's first instinct was to lie and say she just came to read and get some tea. She fought the urge. Instead she stood there dumbfounded, looking like a mute fool.

"Maybe you two should talk… alone," Eli whispered encouragingly to Fiona as he glanced at Imogen.

Imogen quickly picked up her bag and scurried to get out of her seat. "We'll see you later, Fiona," she said softly, giving her shoulder a squeeze before leaving with Eli.

Fiona turned around again, clearly not wanting to talk to her. Holly J mustered up all of her courage and walked over to her table.

"I told you I wasn't ready to see you yet," Fiona said simply, her gaze still on the table.

"I know," Holly J uttered quietly. "I'm sorry." She stood on the opposite side of the table in front of Fiona, afraid to sit down.

Fiona shook her head in silence.

"I just needed to talk to you," she explained, feeling more pathetic than ever.

"Then by all means, tell me what you _need_ to say," Fiona scoffed, her tone was icy and she refused to look up at Holly J.

Holly J had never seen Fiona so filled with disdain. She didn't know what else to say, so she just blurted it out. "I'm in love with you."

Fiona's eye immediately shot up at her, wider than ever. Her mouth fell open slightly; she was clearly shocked. Holly J had to imagine the look on her own face was somewhat similar.

All of the anger had drained from Fiona's face, but the complete and utter silence between them right now was worse. Holly J was petrified, she wanted to cry.

Finally Fiona spoke. "Let's talk at my place," she said quietly, giving no indication of an actual reaction. She stood up and walked to the door of the Dot. Holly J followed behind, walking through the door as Fiona held it for her. She didn't know what to think.

Just a few steps away from the Dot, Holly J couldn't take it anymore. "Fiona…" she started.

"I don't understand," Fiona cut her off, turning to face her. "How is it that yesterday you're confused and today you're in love with me?"

Holly J felt the tears begin to fall. "It's _because_ of yesterday…" she tried to explain, taking a deep breath. "I finally realized how I feel about you." She reached out her hand to her.

Fiona looked down at Holly J's outstretched hand, but kept hers at her side. "I just don't know what to believe, this is all so crazy." Fiona stared down at the sidewalk and Holly J saw a tear fall into the pavement.

She took a step forward and lifted Fiona's chin to meet her eyes. "It's real. I love you; I promise you that's the truth." Holly J bit her lip as she looked at Fiona's. She leaned in and kissed her softly.

* * *

><p><em>Please review! Thank you to the awesome people who did (and the ones who encouraged me to keeping writing on Tumblr ;) and I will try to update sooner with the next chapter!<em>


	6. Frozen

**Mess**

_Chapter 6: Frozen_

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><p>Fiona's lips tensed and her body stiffened as Holly J kissed her. Holly J felt as though she had been punched in the gut at the rejection. Holly J's hand fell from her chin as she pulled away.<p>

"I don't think we should do this," Fiona spoke softly, her voice breaking as the tears on her face streamed down faster. She turned around and began walking swiftly away.

"Fiona!" Holly J called after her, afraid to take a step forward.

She halted, her back still turned. She stood silently for what felt like hours to Holly J. "Please just let me go," she whispered. Holly J could hear pain in her voice.

Fiona turned to face her. "You're not good for me, Holly J," she declared, finally meeting her gaze.

Holly J froze at her words. She wanted to prove that it wasn't true, but Fiona's eyes were so full of hurt, she couldn't find her own voice to argue.

Fiona's gaze fell away. She spun around and slowly walked away. Holly J couldn't find the strength to try to stop her; she just stared after her until she was just a speck in the distance.

Fiona was right. She wasn't good for her. She wasn't good for anyone.

* * *

><p>Holly J had been walking around for about an hour. She didn't want to go back home because she knew her mother would want to talk to her there. She didn't want to talk to anyone. She thought about just going back to Yale, but didn't feel she was in a state to drive. Her mind was racing, she couldn't stop think about what Fiona had said to her. She'd already passed Fiona's loft twice and here she stood again, outside the building. She looked up at her window as she had before, but this time she saw her, sitting on the window sill. She looked so sad, even four stories up and through the tinted glass.<p>

Holly J stared up at her, never feeling farther away from her best friend. A gasp escaped her lips as she saw Fiona bring a wine bottle to her lips and take a long sip.

"Oh fuck," Holly J grasped her forehead in exasperation. "Oh god, Fiona, I did this to you, didn't I?" she asked herself ashamedly. Holly J closed her eyes; she was so angry with herself that she couldn't bear to look at what she'd driven Fiona to do. She fell back against the wall of the apartment building and slid down until she sat on the sidewalk, her face in her palms, sobbing.

Holly J sat on the side of Fiona's building until she had no more tears left to cry. She rested her head against the bricks behind her, starting at the sky. It looked like rain was coming. Her pocket buzzed suddenly and it made Holly J jump a little. She fished her phone out and saw Fiona's picture on the screen. She tapped the answer button quickly, holding the phone with both hands as she brought it to her ear. "Fiona?" she said breathlessly.

"Holly _Jaaay_," Fiona responded.

"Fiona, I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry," she cried.

"I can see you down therrre, ya know," she slurred.

Holly J turned her head and looked up. Fiona stood at her window, one hand holding her phone and the other on her hip.

"Well, what'rre you waitin' for, hmmmm?" Fiona asked, smugly. "Get'cher ass up here already."

Holly J hesitated, knowing it wasn't a good idea. Fiona was likely going to be belligerent with her like she usually was when she drank. But she couldn't just leave her either. She'd caused this; she was going to clean up this mess.

Holly J hoisted herself up and walked to the front of the building, glancing up at Fiona before pushed the door open.

As she approached Fiona's door, she reached out for the handle. She paused and reconsidered, lightly rapping on the door instead.

Fiona swung the door open a few seconds later, a smirk on her face and a bottle in her hand.

Holly J's eyes went to bottle of wine. She sighed. "You're drinking because of me, aren't you?" she furrowed her brow.

"Drinking makeths me feel better," she shrugged, grabbing Holly J's hand and pulling her out of the hallway. "You made me sad, ssso now I don't have to feel it." She took the last swig of the bottle then dropped it on the carpet.

"Fiona…" Holly J started, her eyes welling up again. She could feel the guilt in her stomach and it made her feel sick.

"Shhh," Fiona brought a finger to her lips. "C'mon," she led her into the living room and pulled her down on the couch. Fiona leaned in swiftly and kissed her, quickly entering her tongue in her mouth. She had her hand underneath Holly J's blouse before Holly J even had a chance to react.

Holly J broke the kiss abruptly, but Fiona kept pressing her lips against hers. "Fiona, wait – no, we shouldn't do this – you're drunk," Holly J mumbled between her kisses.

Fiona moved her mouth to Holly J's jawline, placing kisses along it. "No. I want you," she insisted firmly, her hands sliding over Holly J's ass. "Now take this off," she tugged at her shirt.

"But we shouldn't…" Holly J trailed off, letting out a small gasp as Fiona rubbed her finger over her breast.

"Ssee? You want me too," Fiona stated simply. Her lips collided with Holly J's again and this time she didn't protest as Fiona pulled her blouse over her head. The rest of their clothes soon joined her shirt on the floor of Fiona's living room.

* * *

><p>"You're really good at that, you know that, right?" Fiona raised her eyebrows at Holly J, holding her tightly. She nestled her head into her chest as they lay naked on the couch.<p>

Holly J blushed. "Thanks, Fi," she said, with a small laugh. "You are too."

"My eyes feel so heavy," she said softly.

"We should get you to your bed then," Holly J suggested.

"No, I want to lay here with you," she whined.

"Come on Fi," Holly J encouraged. Fiona's eyes were already closed. "I'll go get you your robe," Holly J whispered.

She slipped out of Fiona's tight grasp and sat on the edge of the couch as she dressed herself. She placed a blanket over Fiona and went to her room. Her robe hung in her closet but Holly J's eyes were caught by a picture lying on Fiona's pillow. She walked over to her bed and picked it up. It was Holly J's wallet-sized graduation picture, slightly worn. Turning it over, Holly J read the message she'd written to Fiona months ago.

_Fiona,_

_What can I say? You're my best friend. Next year is going to be tough without you. But you are going to do so well, I just know it. And I'm going to call you every day so it'll be like I never even left. So, there's no reason to say goodbye, right? I love you, Fi._

_Holly J_

Holly J wished she could go back in time to when she wrote this and do things over again. She knew what had just happened between her and Fiona wasn't reality, and that she'd be mad at her again after she sobered up.

She placed the photo back on Fiona's pillow and grabbed her robe, slinging it over her arm.

She walked out into the living room only to find Mrs. Coyne standing in front of her daughter, next to Fiona's discarded clothes, with an empty bottle of wine in her grasp.

Holly J froze.

"Care to explain, Holly J?" Mrs. Coyne asked coarsely.

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><p><em>Please review to let me know what you think, my lovely readers!<em>


	7. Mother

**Mess**

_Chapter 7: Mother_

* * *

><p>Holly J ran her hand though her disheveled hair, knowing what it must look like. She glanced down at Fiona, who was completely passed out on the couch, not surprisingly.<p>

"Um…" Holly J managed to say.

"What are you doing here, Holly J? I thought you were at Yale," Mrs. Coyne looked more puzzled than angry.

"I was– I am," she stammered. "Uh– visiting for the weekend. Fiona… already drank that by the time I got here." Holly J said frantically, motioning to the bottle Mrs. Coyne was holding. It wasn't a lie, that much was true, but Holly J felt guilty placing all the blame on Fiona when she had been the one to drive her to drink.

"And why isn't my daughter wearing any clothes?" she asked, glancing down at Fiona's clothes sprawled out on the floor.

Holly J wondered if Fiona's mother had a sneaking suspicion as to the answer to that question, but Holly J couldn't just outright tell her. She racked her brain for some other logical explanation that she could use to explain Fiona's current state to Mrs. Coyne, but came up with nothing. "Um… I– I don't know. Found her this way. But I went to get her robe for her." She held it up as proof.

Mrs. Coyne rubbed her forehead and took a deep breath. "Thank you, Holly J," she walked toward her, taking the robe from her hand and draping over her own arm. "You are such a good friend to Fiona."

The pang of guilt was back. "It–" she started. "It's my fault she was drinking."

Mrs. Coyne's eyes widened, waiting for her to continue.

"You see I– well, we got into a fight and um, well, she was upset with me," Holly J admitted generally, shame in her voice. "I'm really sorry."

Mrs. Coyne took a breath, looking surprisingly calm. "Well, whatever it is that you two were arguing about, it isn't your fault that Fiona felt she had to turn to alcohol. I should've been here keeping a closer eye on her."

Holly J bit her lip, not knowing what to say.

"Why don't you let me take it from here," Mrs. Coyne suggested. "I'll tell Fiona you stopped by."

"Can you tell her I'm sorry?" Holly J asked timidly. She didn't know what good it would do at this point, but hoped that at least it wouldn't do anymore damage.

"Sure," Mrs. Coyne smiled slightly, now walking her to the door. Holly J was surprised she wasn't asking her more questions, like what they had fought about. But maybe she didn't want to know the answers.

Holly J forced a smile in return and left the apartment. It was only early evening, but she was emotionally exhausted. She knew she'd need to rest before heading back to Yale, so she headed to "the depressing apartment" as her mom so lovingly referred to it.

* * *

><p>"Hey Mom," Holly J said quietly, peeking her head into the kitchen, where her mother was reading a book at the table.<p>

"Hi sweetie," she greeted her. "Do you want me to make you something for dinner?"

"I think I'm going to rest a bit actually," Holly J declined.

"Are you okay honey?" Mrs. Sinclair asked, looking concerned. "You've spent most of your time sleeping since you've been home. And you look upset. Where were you just now?"

"I just went to visit Fiona," Holly J stated simply, ignoring the other questions. "I'm going to go lay down." Holly J backed out of the room and turned the corner into to her small bedroom.

Her mom followed her, stopping at her doorway. "You sure you're okay?"

Holly J collapsed onto her bed, laying on her back and running her fingers through her hair. "I really don't know, mom," she sighed.

Mrs. Sinclair came over to her and sat on the corner of the bed. "What's been going on with you, sweetie?"

Holly J thought to herself for a moment. "I'm– well, I'm just lonely."

Her mom put her hand on her shoulder, trying to comfort her daughter. "Why?" she asked, truly curious.

"I haven't made any friends at Yale," Holly J admitted, staring up at the ceiling and fighting back the tears. "Things went sour with Declan. And now… things are complicated with Fiona. I feel like everything keeps going wrong and I'm just going to end up with no one."

"Oh honey…" her mom trailed off. "Come here."

Holly J sat up and accepted her mother's hug. She cried into her shoulder, letting herself go. "It's all my fault," she sobbed. "I keep messing everything up."

Mrs. Sinclair stroked Holly J hair, letting her shirt soak up all her tears. "Adjusting to college is really hard," she told her. "You're out on your own for the first time and that's not always easy."

Holly J pulled back and sat in front of her mom, wiping her eyes. "But I'm supposed to be able to handle these things," she said.

"Says who?" her mom challenged.

"Well… me, I guess. And everyone else expects me to be perfect… like Fiona. Then, when I'm not, she…" Holly J paused.

"What happened between you two?" her mom wondered. "You are so close; there must be some way to fix it? Is she angry with you because of things between you and Declan?"

Holly J shook her head. "In a way, yes," Holly J confessed. "But really it's just that I didn't think things through and acted impulsively. And now I'm afraid I've ruined any chance for Fiona and me…"

"Chance for you to be friends again?" her mom tried to guess her next thought.

"Um… yes," Holly J looked hesitant. Holly J's romantic feelings for Fiona were a pretty recent realization for her and as thankful as she was to have her mom being so supportive right now, she wasn't sure if she was ready to divulge into that subject quite yet. It would bring up too many questions that Holly J didn't know the answers to yet. She knew she wanted to be with Fiona, that was all. Was she gay? Probably not. Was she bisexual? Maybe. Was she attracted to girls other than Fiona? She wasn't sure.

Mrs. Sinclair didn't push any farther, seeing her daughter's discomfort. She reached out to give her another hug, and they sat silently like that for a little while.

"Thanks Mom," she said. "I feel a little bit better now."

"Anytime sweetie," she smiled softly. "You know you can talk to me about anything."

Holly J smiled slightly in response.

"Let me make you some soup," she offered.

"Okay," Holly J nodded. "Or maybe some meatloaf?" Holly J felt her stomach grumble, having not had much beside coffee at the Dot all day.

"Sure thing," her mom smiled at her. "You rest for a while and I'll come get you when dinner's ready."

"Thank you," Holly J whispered as she lay back down on the bed.

Mrs. Sinclair kissed her forehead before leaving the room.

Holly J closed her eyes and let out a deep breath. She worried about how Fiona was doing. She hated leaving her the way she had. She felt like a tattle tale, ratting her out to her mother. Of course, she'd done it before when planning the intervention with Mrs. Coyne, but it seemed different now. She felt responsible for Fiona's drinking. Holly J thought about how they had been together earlier that day. She felt terrible about just leaving her there, with only a blanket to cover her naked body. As exhaustion set in, Holly J's mind wandered, thinking about Fiona's perfectly shaped bare form as she drifted to sleep.

* * *

><p>Holly J heard a light knocking at the door. She opened her eyes slowly.<p>

Mrs. Sinclair peeked her head in the room.

"Hi Mom, I'll be out in just a minute," Holly J yawned.

"Actually," her mom opened the door further. "Someone's here to see you." Mrs. Sinclair took a step aside so the person could move into Holly J's doorframe view.

* * *

><p><em>Thanks for reading! Who could it be? ;) Please review!<em>


	8. A Bad Dream

**Mess**

_Chapter 8: A Bad Dream_

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><p>Imogen Moreno took a step into the room, nodding at Mrs. Sinclair, as she reached for the door handle.<p>

"I'll give you two a minute," Holly J's mom smiled, walking away.

Imogen pulled the door closed behind her and leaned against it.

Holly J looked at her in confusion. She'd never even had a conversation Imogen before, yet here she was, in her room.

"You're probably wondering what I'm doing here," Imogen broke the silence.

"Well, yeah," Holly J replied simply, her eyebrows raised. She sat up uncomfortably, swinging her legs over the side of the bed.

"Mind if I…" Imogen motioned to the corner of the bed.

Holly J shrugged. "Sure, make yourself at home," she said sarcastically, wondering when she'd be getting an explanation.

Imogen sat down, turning to Holly J. "I'm Imogen," she held out her hand. "We haven't officially met."

Holly J awkwardly shook her hand. "I know who you are," she told her. "So what–uh, brings you here?"

"Fiona asked me to come," Imogen declared, smiling slightly.

Holly J's expression softened a little, but concern washed over her. "And why can't she come talk to me herself?" she asked hesitantly.

"Her mom checked her back into rehab," Imogen looked down at the floor as she delivered the news.

Holly J exhaled, running her fingers through her hair. She felt an intense wave of sadness wash over her and she had to clench her jaw to keep from letting it take over. She cleared her throat. "She's already there then," Holly J stated more than asked.

"I'm afraid so," Imogen confirmed, looking up at Holly J.

"Why would she tell _you_ and not me?" Holly J asked. She didn't mean for it to come off as rude as it sounded; she was asking herself more than she was asking Imogen.

Imogen didn't seem to have been offended in any way by Holly J's question. "She's just really upset right now, Holly J," Imogen told her honestly. "Eli and I, we went to check up on her since she wasn't responding to our texts. She didn't tell us much– just that something had happened between you and her and that she'd been drinking again. Her mom was packing her things for rehab while we talked."

Holly J listened to Imogen, feeling guilty again. "And she asked you to tell me she was going to back to rehab?"

"Well, not in so many words…" Imogen trailed off.

Holly J gave her a puzzled look. "Well, what did she say?"

Imogen contemplated for a moment. "Something along the lines of… _Holly J was successful in getting me sent to rehab again, not that she even stuck around long enough to care._ But I figured there was more to the story… and you deserved to know."

Holly J frowned, sighing. "You don't even know me, what makes you think I deserve anything?"

"From the way Fiona usually talks about you, it's clear you're a good person," Imogen smiled at her.

Holly J looked away, the guilt building in her stomach again. "I'm not so sure about that," she mumbled.

Imogen paused, not sure what to say. "She'll be there for two weeks," she added after a few moments of silence. She slowly stood up, turning to Holly J. "I don't want to impose on you anymore," she said.

"No, really, thank you for coming," Holly J told her sincerely. "I'm glad that Fiona has such great friends like you and Eli looking out for her. I'm just so used to it only being me, but for her sake, I'm glad she has you."

"Whatever it is that's going on between you two, I bet she'll be able to calm down about it while she's away. She'll have a lot of time to be able to think clearly," Imogen attempted to reassure Holly J.

"Maybe," Holly J agreed halfheartedly. She stood up and opened the door to her bedroom, walking out with Imogen. She thanked her again, and waved as she left the apartment, using what was left of her energy to fake a smile.

* * *

><p>Holly J was mostly silent as she ate dinner with her mother, speaking only to explain that Imogen was just an acquaintance from Degrassi that had some questions about Yale and that she'd be leaving after dinner to drive back. She went to her room and gathered everything into her bag, sipping the coffee she'd made in the kitchen, hoping she'd survive the long drive.<p>

Mrs. Sinclair gave her a long hug before letting her walk out the door. "Try not to be too hard on yourself," she told her. Holly J nodded, numbly.

Before she knew it, she was on the highway, time going by quickly as she drove, listening to sad songs on the radio.

_I wake up, it's a bad dream_

_No one on my side_

_I was fighting_

_But I just feel too tired_

_To be fighting_

_Guess I'm not the fighting kind_

_Wouldn't mind it_

_If you were by my side_

_But you're long gone_

_Yeah you're long gone now_

Holly J couldn't believe how much had changed in the last few days; it really did seem like a bad dream. It had all happened so fast, like a blur. She thought about what she'd do next. Call, write? It all seemed futile. 'I'll deal with it once I'm back at Yale," she told herself, turning up the volume of the music.

* * *

><p>Letting herself into her dorm room, Holly J closed the door quietly behind her, locking it. She could make out two forms in the dark where her roommate slept, but was thankful that they were only sleeping at the present. She dropped her bag on the floor, slipped out her shoes and pants and slid into bed, falling asleep instantaneously.<p>

When she woke up, she was alone. The bright light peeked in from the gap between the curtain and the wall. She sat up, yawning, glancing at her clock. Seeing that she'd missed her morning class as it was already noon, she sighed then grabbed for her bag to check her phone. It was dead, not surprisingly, so she searched for her charger, plugging it into the wall. As soon as it turned on, Holly J dialed Fiona, unable to stop herself.

Fiona's phone went straight to voicemail. "Hey Fi, it's me. I don't know if you'll get this anytime soon. Imogen told me that you're back at rehab. You have every right to blame me. I'm sorry, I'm really sorry. I don't know if that means anything anymore, I've said it so many times now. I keep screwing up Fi, and all I really want is for you and I to be okay again, but I keep making things worse." Holly J was crying now, and her voice began to break. "I hope you know that I really do love you so much, even though I keep hurting you. You don't have to forgive me, I wouldn't blame you if you didn't, but just know that I love you, okay?" she took a deep breath, ending the call.

Wiping her face, Holly J gathered her things to take a shower, and walked to the communal bathroom down the hall. As she washed her hair, she thought about what her life would be like if Fiona never wanted to speak to her again. She couldn't fathom not having her in her life; she was the one person she turned to for everything. Fiona had been there for her through her health problems, her breakups, everything. She'd been the most important person in her life for a long time, even before she and Declan had broken up. Fiona was there for her when he wasn't, and she stuck with her even when she'd broken her brother's heart. Holly J had been there for Fiona too, although now it seemed that all she could do was make her life harder. She had always been protective of Fiona, wanting to keep her safe. She'd wanted to get her past all the drinking and she'd never approved of anyone Fiona dated because she never thought anyone was good enough for her. "But I'm not good enough for her either," she spoke quietly.

* * *

><p><em>Thanks for reading! So I just really wanted to write an ImogenHolly J interaction, let me know what you think! And don't worry, Fiona and Holly J will interact in the next chapter, I know it's been a couple now that they haven't, but it builds the Holly J angst well when they don't… if that makes any sense, haha. Please review :)_


	9. Warning Sign

**Mess**

_Chapter 9: Warning Sign_

* * *

><p>Holly J left her World History class, heading for her dorm. She put on her gloves as she walked, feeling the chill of the late fall air. She pulled her phone from her pocket. No messages. It had been fourteen days. She hadn't heard a thing from Fiona yet. Not that that had deterred her from calling on a daily basis. She pressed the call button again.<p>

"Hey Fi, it's me again. So I'm leaving my class now… It's pretty chilly out. I wish you were here so we could snuggle up under a warm blanket and watch a sad movie together. I really miss you. You know, in case you couldn't tell from my eight hundred other messages. So… in other news, if my calculations are correct, today is your last day of rehab. I hope you're okay. I love you Fiona. I hope I can talk to you soon."

Holly J smiled to herself as she put her phone back into her pocket. Things hadn't been easy, but Holly J felt hopeful today for the first time since everything had happened. She hoped there was a chance that today Fiona would call her back.

Holly J had thrown herself into her schoolwork as a distraction from thinking about Fiona, and she'd been doing very well academically. It was her only motivation to get out of bed in the morning. She woke up, went to class, came to her dorm, sat at her desk and did her homework. The first few days back at Yale were the hardest; she'd find herself obsessing over what she should've said and done and spend the night crying. So Holly J forced herself to obsess over something productive instead, her schoolwork. She'd aced all her tests lately and her papers had been done days before they were due. She allowed herself to call Fiona once a day, but that was it.

But today she couldn't stop thinking about the chance that Fiona might call. She couldn't help it, she smiled to herself again, noticing for the first time how pretty the trees looked along the path she walked.

Holly J, deep in her own daydreams, jumped out of her skin when she felt a tap on her should. She swung around and found herself face-to-face with Declan Coyne.

"Hey Holly J," he said casually.

"Geez, Declan, you scared me," she replied, gruffly. "Look, I've got to go." She turned around and kept walking.

He sped up to walk by her side. "Can we talk?" he asked civilly. "It's not like I don't know where you live."

"I really don't have anything to say," she said simply, continuing to walk and not giving him a second glance. "Please just leave me alone."

Declan was breathing heavily, trying to keep up with Holly J, who was now at a jog, trying to escape him. "Holly J, wait! I love you okay?"

Holly J stopped. "Declan…" she sighed, looking at him. He reached out for her hand, but she pulled away. "I don't think you really do," she told him honestly. "And as for me–I'm sorry, but I don't… not anymore." She continued on her way, not looking back. Declan didn't follow her. She knew she had been harsh, but she hoped it would help him see things were really over. She wondered if he even knew that his sister was back in rehab. He clearly knew nothing about what had happened between she and Fiona; and she knew he'd be more than a little angry if he found out how Holly J felt about his sister.

* * *

><p>Holly J turned the key in the lock, opening the door to her room. She walked in the room and had to do a double take when she saw Fiona sitting on her bed.<p>

"Oh my god, Fiona!" she shrieked, dropping her bag in the middle of the floor and running to her. Holly J scooped her into her arms before Fiona even had a chance to respond. "How are you here?" Holly J loosened her grip a little, wanting to give Fiona room to talk, but unable to let go completely, she grasped her hand.

"I graduated rehab a day early, I got out yesterday," she explained. "I guess the third time's the charm," she added with a smile.

Holly J couldn't believe Fiona was here, let alone smiling. She wanted kiss her so badly, but was too afraid to mess this up.

"I got all of your messages yesterday," Fiona continued. "And… I had to come. I booked a flight and here we are. Oh, and your roommate let me in while you were in class."

Holly J beamed. "I can't believe you're actually here!" She brought Fiona into another tight hug. "You seem really good, is everything okay?"

"Mmhm," Fiona nodded. "But we can talk about all that later." Fiona leaned into Holly J, catching her lips. Holly J willingly obliged, climbing onto the bed with Fiona, wrapping her entire body around her. Fiona deepened the kiss quickly, sliding her tongue into Holly J's mouth as she pushed her down on the bed. Holly J moaned softly, opening her mouth to Fiona. She snuck her hand under Fiona's shirt and Fiona pulled at hers.

There was a loud rapping at the door suddenly, causing the two girls to freeze.

"Ugh, why _now_?" Holly J complained. "Maybe if we just ignore them, they'll go away." She resumed kissing Fiona.

"It's okay–you can get the door," Fiona exhaled between kisses. "I'll still be here."

Holly J grumbled a little, disentangling herself from Fiona and smoothing out her clothes before walking to the door. She opened it slightly, catching a glance of Declan.

"Holly J, please!" Declan shouted, putting his arm in the way of the door as Holly J attempted to shut it.

"Oh, for god's sake," she muttered, knowing Fiona would obviously recognize his voice.

"Declan?" Fiona called, getting up from Holly J's bed.

"Fiona?" Declan responded from the hallway. Holly J had no choice but to open the door. He walked in abruptly. "Fiona! What are you doing here?"

"Uh… visiting," she said, shrugging but smiling. "I just got here."

"Well, it might've been nice to let your own twin brother know!" he laughed, hugging Fiona. As he pulled away he looked at Holly J. "Wait… let me guess; it was a surprise, wasn't it?"

"Yup," Holly J stated stiffly. "She surprised me."

"Okay, I'll let it slide then," he smiled, looking back at Fiona.

Holly J had to hand it to her, Fiona had the ability to make two people who were not in the best of moods smile brilliantly.

"So what are you two up to? We should go somewhere," he suggested generally.

Holly J shifted uncomfortably. Before she could say anything, Fiona stepped in. "Definitely," she smiled back at her brother. "Tonight, for sure. But I need some long awaited gossiping girly time with Holly J first, and believe me, you'd be bored senseless."

Declan conceded. "Alright then, I'll see you tonight. You too, Holly J?" He turned to her, looking hopeful.

Feeling cornered, Holly J agreed. "Sure."

"Great!" he smiled, walking to the door. "Looking forward to it!"

"Bye Decs," Fiona said, as he closed the door behind him.

Holly J looked over at Fiona, wincing, but still hoping she wouldn't be upset.

"Well?" Fiona prompted, hoisting herself back up onto Holly J's bed.

"What?" Holly J asked hesitantly.

"Lock the door and get back over here," she instructed.

Holly paused, surprised for a moment. Shrugging it off, she did as Fiona asked. Hopping up on the bed, she pressed her lips immediately against Fiona's. Fiona and Holly J tore at each other's clothes and pulled the sheets over themselves as the last article hit the ground. Their giggling and playful kissing quickly turned to urgent sounds of moaning and panting.

* * *

><p>"I love you, Fiona," Holly J told her, clutching her tightly.<p>

"So I've heard," Fiona said smugly, kissing her softly. "About twenty times, from all the messages you left me."

Holly J blushed, burying her face in Fiona's shoulder.

"I love you too, you know," Fiona whispered.

"Really?" Holly J asked, feeling a bit foolish. But she hadn't actually heard Fiona say it since the first time they were together.

Fiona turned to look at her, giving her a funny look. "Of course I do," she laughed. "I've loved you for a very long time."

Holly J could feel her face heat up and tears brewing, but for the first time in a while, they weren't caused by unhappiness. She leaned forward and kissed Fiona brusquely, feeling overcome by her emotions.

"Why are you crying?" Fiona asked with concern as she pulled away. She wiped away Holly J's tears, her hand lingering on her cheek.

"I'm just–so happy. I'd really lost hope for us for a little while there…" she admitted.

"Well let's not get too far ahead of ourselves now," Fiona said, brushing Holly J's hair from her eyes.

Holly J froze for a moment, narrowing her eyebrows, puzzled. "What do you mean?"

"Well just because we love each other doesn't mean everything is magically better, Holly J," Fiona pursed her lips.

Holly J sat up, pulling the sheet with her. Her look of confusion was growing into concern. "But I thought–wait, _what?_" she questioned again.

"Well, for one thing, we have the Declan issue," Fiona said practically.

Holly J frowned. She should've known that she couldn't simply be happy; it had lasted all of thirty minutes. "I know," she grumbled. "But… can't we just not think about that right now and focus on something more pleasant?" Holly J slid her fingertips lightly up Fiona's arm, biting her lip as she looked at her.

"As much as I want to…" she paused. "Pushing away my problems is what leads me to drink." Fiona looked at her seriously.

"Oh, of course," Holly J looked guilty, breaking her touch from Fiona. "I'm sorry, Fi."

"It's okay," she said, calmly. Fiona reached out and laced her fingers with Holly J's. "I just don't want to run away from everything anymore."

Holly J nodded, giving Fiona a small but encouraging smile.

"So… tonight, we have to tell Declan," Fiona declared.

Holly J tensed, her smile faltering. Considering Declan's confession of love earlier that day, she was very worried about being around him, let alone telling him about her and Fiona's secret affair. However, she also didn't want to deny Fiona the outlet she needed. "Okay," she nodded again, uncertainty evident in her voice.

Fiona smiled, leaning in to kiss her lips softly. "Well now that we've got that sorted out," she smirked. "Onto more pleasant things…" And before Holly J knew it, Fiona was dragging her lips down her body and she had already forgotten about why she was concerned.

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><p><em>So I actually updated quickly this time AND it's a longer (than usual) chapter! Hope you enjoyed the happy times… while they last ;) Review please and maybe I'll be motivated to write more quickly again!<em>


	10. Policy of Truth

**Mess**

_Chapter 10: Policy of Truth_

* * *

><p>The two spent much of the day in bed, making up for lost time. Holly J immersed herself in Fiona, she'd felt so down over the past few weeks that she took this opportunity to focus on her self-indulgent desires, pushing away any thoughts of responsibility. Her roommate, Jessica, had made an appearance later in the afternoon, but it didn't even faze Holly J, who would've been mortified had she been in her usual state of mind. Pulling the sheets over her and Fiona's heads, she giggled as she continued to kiss her, hidden beneath the covers.<p>

"Oh gross," Jessica snarled, leaving the room quickly after catching a glimpse of her and Fiona.

Holly J missed her 5:00 class, having lost track of time. It wasn't until Fiona's phone rang that they briefly came up for air.

Fiona leaned her forehead against Holly J's for a moment, taking a deep breath. "Maybe I should get that…" she exhaled.

"No…" Holly J purred, kissing her neck. "Just ignore it, Fi…"

Fiona smiled, leaning into her. "Mmm," she paused, considering. "But it could be Declan."

Holly J sighed, pulling away. Fiona reached for her purse, which was on the floor. She sat up, wrapping the sheet around her chest. Holly J let her head fall back on her pillow, putting her hands behind her head and frowning.

"Hey Declan!" Fiona sang. "Yeah, sushi sounds great! 7:30? Okay, see you in a bit!"

Holly J stared at the ceiling, letting out a sigh.

Fiona turned back to her. "He made us a reservation at Miya's Sushi bar," she grinned.

"Oh boy," Holly J replied sarcastically.

Fiona wrinkled her brow. "What?"

"Nothing," Holly J lied. "It's just… I guess we should start getting ready." Holly J got out of bed, grabbing her robe. "I'm going to go take a shower." She picked up her bag and slipped into her flip flops.

"I could use one too…" Fiona raised her eyebrows. "Mind if I join?"

Holly J couldn't help the smirk that crept up on her face. She opened up her top dresser drawer and tossed a t-shirt and shorts to Fiona. "Here," she smiled. "Although I do prefer you without the clothes."

Fiona yanked them on quickly. Holly J walked over to her, grabbing her hand and pulling her up off the bed.

"Don't worry," Fiona grinned, trailing behind Holly J as they left the dorm and headed for the bathroom. "I'll be out of these soon," she whispered in Holly J's ear, kissing it lightly as they walked.

Holly J perked up, picking up the speed and pulling Fiona behind her. She suddenly needed to get there faster.

Once they reached the women's room, they peeked into the shower area and Holly J grinned. "We've got the place to ourselves."

Yanking the curtain closed, their clothes immediately hit the floor. Holly J kissed Fiona fiercely, stumbling backward into the shower as she grabbed at the knob carelessly.

"Ahh! Cold!" Fiona yelped, as the water hit them. Both girls squealing and laughing, Holly J quickly adjusted the temperature.

Their lips met again under the water. She ran her hands over Fiona's bare back, pressing herself against her. They were initially a bit distracted from the objective of getting clean, but eventually helped each other shampoo and wash one another, which Holly J enjoyed just as much.

* * *

><p>"Sorry Decs!" Fiona scurried out of the building over to the awaiting town car, Declan standing beside it. "We took a while to get ready; you know how we girls can be."<p>

Holly J walked a few steps behind Fiona, her heels clacking on the sidewalk.

"Well it was worth the wait, you look beautiful," Declan responded, looking at Holly J. She bit her lip, looking away. Instead she watched as Fiona got into the car, sliding in after her.

Declan sat next to Holly J, but kept his distance, likely because she was avoiding making eye contact with him.

"It's nice to be hanging out, you know, the three of us again," Fiona commented.

"Yeah, it is," Declan agreed.

Holly J forced a smile slightly. It was going to be a long night.

* * *

><p>They were seated at the sushi bar, three in a row, Fiona in the middle.<p>

Fiona was catching Declan up on her last trip to rehab, leaving out the reason for her drinking, while Holly J perused the menu.

"And Holly J and I have something we need to talk to you about," Holly J heard Fiona say suddenly as she felt Fiona grab her hand, giving it a squeeze.

Declan glanced down at Fiona's hand clutching Holly J's, looking confused.

Holly J moved her hand away instinctively, bringing it to her lap. "Uh, I-um, have to use the ladies room," she sputtered, standing up quickly.

She made eye contact with Fiona for a moment, who looked disappointed, and then sprinted to the corner of the restaurant where the restrooms were located.

Holly J held her head in her hands, looking in the bathroom mirror. She took a deep breath, wondering if there was any way she'd be able to avoid telling Declan.

Fiona came into the bathroom a few seconds later. "What on earth was that?" she demanded.

"Look, I'm sorry Fiona, I just panicked," She told her. "He's going to freak out; do we really _have_ to tell him?"

"He's my brother, Holly J," Fiona sighed, growing irritated. "I don't want to lie to him."

"But he told me just this morning that he is still in love with me!" Holly J blurted out, immediately regretting her words as she saw Fiona's face fall.

"_What?_" she questioned.

"I ran into him when I was walking back to my dorm… before I saw you," she said quietly.

"And you're just mentioning this now?" Fiona shook her head.

"I'm sorry! I thought it was irrelevant since I'm in love with you!" Holly J retorted.

"So that explains why you've been weird and quiet all night," Fiona scoffed. "I can't believe you didn't tell me. So what are we supposed to do now?"

"Maybe we should just wait to tell him?" Holly J suggested cautiously.

"You don't want to tell him at all, do you?" Fiona inferred. "What are you, embarrassed of me or something?"

Holly J shook her head swiftly. "No, that's not it at all!" She moved toward Fiona, wanting to show her it wasn't true, but Fiona took a step back.

"Then what?" she demanded. "You like having Declan be in love with you?"

"Of course not!" Holly J yelled back defensively. "I told him that I don't love him anymore and I really wish he would move on."

"Well then let's tell him about us so he _can_ move on!" Fiona said heatedly.

Holly J and Fiona stood silently staring at each other, the tension between them growing in the silence.

"You promised me that we'd do this," Fiona said softly, breaking the tension. "For my recovery."

Holly J nodded slowly. "You're right," she sighed, looking down at the floor. "I'm sorry. I guess I just got scared."

Fiona took a few steps forward and lifted Holly J's chin with her hand. "We'll do it together," she said encouragingly. "It'll be okay." She kissed her softly on the lips.

"Don't worry, I'll save you the trouble," Declan said dismally, standing in the doorway.

Holly J and Fiona broke apart abruptly, turning to look at him, surprised.

"I heard everything. I followed Fiona and waited out here to see if you were alright," he frowned. "Guess now I can _move on_ or whatever." He turned around and walked out.

"Declan, wait!" Fiona yelled, hurrying after him.

Holly J didn't move at first. She turned and looked in the mirror again, letting out a sigh. She thought about how Fiona had said that things weren't going to magically fix themselves just because they were in love. Was this what she meant? She worried Fiona would choose to end things with Holly J to ease Declan's pain. That's why she had wanted to put off telling him. She thought back to the wonderful day they had in her dorm, worrying that would be the last of the fond memories.

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><p><em>Pretty please review! I love reviews!<em>


	11. Don't Speak

**Mess**

_Chapter 11: Don't Speak_

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><p>Holly J took a deep breath, then pulled the bathroom door open slowly, taking a step back out into the restaurant. She looked around. Fiona and Declan where nowhere to be seen.<p>

She walked to the front of the restaurant leisurely, spotting them from the front glass door, clearly having an argument in front of the town car.

Holly J stood by the inside the door, watching them, not wanting to venture outside.

"Will your party be coming back?" the hostess asked.

Holly J was caught off guard, turning around quickly. "Oh, no… sorry, something came up," she muttered. Now feeling awkward staying in the restaurant, she exited through the glass door she had been using as an observation porthole.

Walking slowly toward the arguing twins, she was scared to interrupt them.

Declan noticed her before she had a chance to say anything. He looked at her. "I can't believe my own sister stole the girl I love away from me."

Fiona opened her mouth to defend herself, but Holly J got there first. "She didn't _steal_ me Declan, if anything it was the other way around."

"Look Holly J, you don't need to defend her–" he started.

"God Declan, of course it's all my fault… right? Everything always my fault!" Fiona yelled over him.

Declan shook his head, looking away from his sister.

"It's not Fiona's fault, Declan! I'm not this perfect person you make me out to be, okay? I was mad at you for screwing around behind my back. So I went and had sex with your sister!"

Declan's head shot up, but he was speechless. Fiona stared at Holly J too, her eyes wide.

"Yeah, pretty fucked up, right?" she sniggered. Neither of the Coynes laughed, they just stood silently.

"Look, I'm sorry," she sighed. "I've already told Fiona how sorry I am…" she glanced over at her for a moment, then reverted her gaze to Declan. "But Declan, you can't blame her for this. She's the victim here."

"Well I can't blame you either," his voice broke. "I'm the one who drove you straight into her arms. I'm the one who fucked up first." His forehead wrinkled in discomfort; he looked like he was trying to fight off tears. "I'm so sorry, Holly J."

Holly J felt guilty for dismissing him so quickly when he'd told her that he loved her. She didn't doubt it now, seeing how hurt he was. She took a deep breath, looking at him empathetically. She didn't know what to say; there probably wasn't anything she could say that would make him felt better. He looked like she had last week, when she thought she'd lost Fiona for good.

"Decs…" Fiona reached out to him, touching his shoulder lightly.

"I'm sorry for blaming you, Fi," he said quietly, his gaze on the pavement. They stood like that for moment, then Declan reached for Fiona's hand, lightly removing it from his shoulder. "I'm going to take this car back," he said solemnly, to both girls. "I'll call you two another."

"Don't worry about it," Fiona told him. "I can call for another car." He nodded, and swiftly got in the town car. With a door slam and the rev of a motor, he was gone.

Holly J stared in the direction of where the car had driven away, as did Fiona. Eventually she looked over at her, not wanting to be the first to speak.

"Dinner?" Fiona asked softly, motioning back at the restaurant.

"Sure," Holly J agreed quietly. And they walked back into the sushi bar.

Holly J watched from the seated waiting area as Fiona apologized to the hostess, explaining that her brother had an emergency. Fiona sat down next to her after she had made a new reservation and the two sat silently. Holly J looked down at Fiona's hand on the cushion next to her, it was less than an inch away from her own hand, but just as she was afraid to speak, she was also afraid to move her hand to touch Fiona's.

* * *

><p>Holly J realized half way through their dinner that this was their first date. The thought depressed her, as they hadn't uttered a single word to one another since they had been outside the restaurant.<p>

She brought her chopsticks to her lips and chewed the California roll uncomfortably, racking her brain for something meaningful to say. "How's your food?" she asked, finally.

"Good," Fiona nodded simply.

"Is this over?" Holly J transitioned tactlessly.

"I don't know," Fiona exhaled, knowing exactly what Holly J was referencing, putting down her chopsticks. She grabbed Holly J's free hand, squeezing it. "I really don't know."

They were silent again after that, but Holly J didn't let go out Fiona's hand for the rest of the meal.

* * *

><p>The rest of the evening was quiet, but not completely silent, as they did engage in some inane small talk.<p>

It wasn't until they were back in Holly J's dorm that they wanted to revisit the topic they'd barely touched upon.

Holly J and Fiona sat on her bed, a foot apart.

"Maybe it's for the best," Fiona said dejectedly.

"Being apart? How could it be?" Holly J reasoned.

"I don't know," Fiona said again.

Holly J looked down at her lap, fidgeting with her hands.

"Sounds like you do know," Holly J murmured gloomily. "You just don't want to say."

Fiona met her gaze, but didn't say anything.

She didn't have to; Holly J could read her expression, she looked miserable. "At least stay with me tonight?" Holly J asked timidly.

"Okay," Fiona said quietly. She looked at Holly J apologetically for a moment, and Holly J nodded.

Fiona laid down on the bed, and Holly J laid behind her, wrapping her arms around her waist snugly. She settled her chin in the nook between Fiona's neck and shoulder, leaning her head lightly against her. Fiona clutched Holly J's hand as they laid there, and they stayed that way for a while, not talking, not sleeping. It comforted Holly J to hold Fiona, despite the fact that she feared it would be the last time she'd be able to.

"Please don't leave me," she whispered eventually.

Fiona didn't respond. Holly J wasn't sure if it was because she had fallen asleep or if she just couldn't promise her that. But she was afraid it was the latter.

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><p><em>Reviews please! The less I get, the more depressing my writing becomes! Haha, I kid, but reviews certainly do help motivate me greatly!<em>


	12. There Goes The Fear

**Mess**

_Chapter 12: There Goes The Fear_

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><p>Holly J woke up feeling warm; smiling as she realized Fiona was still in her arms. She snuggled closer to her, but was careful not to disturb her slumber.<p>

Fiona stirred in her sleep, stretching her neck and turned toward Holly J, letting out a light sigh. Her eyes still closed, she leaned in and placed a soft kiss on her lips. Holly J, smiling, moved in closer, pressing her body into Fiona and returning the kiss.

"I'm sorry," Fiona mumbled, pulling away after a moment. She opened her eyes for the first time, squinting at the light coming through the window. She rolled over a bit, breaking away from Holly J's grasp. "I didn't mean –" she started, wiping the sleep form her eye. "I wasn't awake yet… it was just instinct… but we probably shouldn't do that considering…" she trailed off.

"Right," Holly J uttered, dejectedly.

"And now that it's morning, I guess I should get ready to go," Fiona said unsurely, sitting up on the bed.

"You don't have to go," Holly J encouraged, catching her eye. The look in her eye begged Fiona to reconsider. "I don't want you to go."

"Holly J…" Fiona but her lip, sighing. "We have to think about Declan."

Holly J frowned. "What about what you want? What about what I want?"

Fiona shook her head. "I don't want to hurt him," she looked down.

Holly J pushed herself up next to Fiona. "I don't want that either," she explained. "But Fiona, your feelings and my feelings matter too. Why are you so quick to just give us up for him? We've always known it was going to be an issue for him to find out…"

"But until last night, you failed to mention that he's still in love with you, Holly J!" Fiona spat out. "I saw how hurt he was! I've hurt Declan so many times, I can't do it again." Fiona sighed, her head in her hands.

"We can talk to him," Holly J suggested, scooting closer to Fiona. "Now that he's had a chance to cool down, I can go talk to him myself if you want."

"I don't know," Fiona said quietly, not convinced that it would help.

"Please, Fi," Holly J reached cautiously put her hand over Fiona's, looking up at her. "I can't lose you. I'll do anything."

"You wouldn't be losing me, Holly J," Fiona told her. "You're my best friend, that wouldn't change. We could just go back to… before any of this happened."

"You really think we can just go back to the way things were before?" Holly J asked skeptically.

"Maybe…" Fiona said softly, clearly not believing it herself.

"Is that what you want though? To have this have never happened?" Holly J carefully inquired.

"No. No, not at all," Fiona stated clearly. "Everything feels so right when we're together, I wouldn't trade it for anything." She began to tear up, knowing that her own feelings were not going to be so easily pushed away no matter how much she wanted to for Declan's sake.

Holly J swore she could feel butterflies as she heard Fiona's words. "I wouldn't either, Fi," she whispered, moving closer to her. "I couldn't even if I wanted to."

Holly J gently pressed her lips to Fiona's. Fiona didn't hesitate, she kissed her back fully, reaching out and clutching her cheeks. Holly J wrapped her arms around Fiona, leaning further into the kiss.

"Okay," Fiona exhaled roughly, leaning her forehead against Holly J's. "But I think Declan might be more receptive if you speak to him alone."

Holly J nodded, still holding Fiona close to her. "Anything," she repeated.

* * *

><p>Holly J stood outside Declan's door for a moment, hesitant to knock. She was nervous to face him and standing in the hall awkwardly was easier than having to deal with the issue at hand. She wondered to herself if she'd always been such a coward, wanting to run away from everything. Contemplating on how pathetic that seemed, she was given the courage to knock.<p>

She rapped on the door lightly, still secretly praying he wasn't home.

Declan opened the door. He didn't look like himself, his hair was a mess and his face was blotchy, as if he'd been crying. "Holly J," he greeted her quietly, a bit surprised.

"Declan," she paused. "Mind if I come in?"

He took a step back from the door to give her room to enter.

She walked in slowly, looking around at the unkempt room.

"Sorry for the mess," he muttered, pushing aside his clothes so that Holly J could sit on his comforter. She sat, smoothing out the skirt she was wearing uncomfortably, just for something to do.

Finally, Declan sat beside her, looking down at his hands.

"I'm really sorry about all of this," Holly J broke the silence.

Declan looked at her for a moment, then nodded. "Thanks," he said quietly. "I kind of knew that."

She smiled slightly, he was joking with her, which was a good sign. "Doesn't make it any easier though, does it?" she assumed.

"You got that right," he leaned back, getting more comfortable. "I just feel like such an ass. I caused this."

Holly J leaned back too, resting her head on her shoulder as she looked at him. "I don't know if this is going to make you feel better, but I promise that you didn't cause this to happen. I had feelings for Fiona before you ever almost hooked-up with my skanky roommate." She smiled at her last statement, trying to ease any tension.

Declan sighed, but managed to turn it into a small laugh. "You're right, that didn't make me feel better." Declan ran his hand through his hair, shaking his head. "So… how long have you been in love with her? And please, _please_ don't tell me it back when we were together."

Holly J laughed. "No, don't worry. I really did love you and only you back then," she told him. Her face softened when she saw his expression change. Holly J reached out and grabbed his hand, giving it a small squeeze.

"That's nice to hear," he confessed. He stared over at her, not saying anything more, but with a look that was all too familiar to Holly J, his patented Declan "love me" look.

Holly J looked away, biting her lip and slowly letting go of his hand. She did want to comfort him, but maybe she was being _too_ nice. "But things changed…" she continued. "The year we spend apart was the year Fiona and I got closer than ever. I don't know when exactly I started to have feelings for her, mostly because they scared me and I pushed them away, but she was there for me through everything… and I was there for her too."

"I wish I could've been there," he said sadly.

"I don't blame you, Declan," she specified. "It just happened that way. You had a good reason to be at Vanderbilt, it helped you get here. And believe it or not, I didn't intend to fall in love with your sister. It'd be a lot easier for all of us if I hadn't."

"Amen," Declan chuckled. "But I'm glad you came to talk to me. I do feel a little better… like maybe we could be friends again at some point? You know, once I've had a bit of time to get past my insane jealousy of my sister," he tested, looking at her with wide eyes.

"Definitely," Holly J agreed, leaning forward and pulling him into a warm embrace. He leaned against her cheek, lingering there, but Holly J let it slide. She did feel bad for him after all.

Once they pulled apart, Declan smiled. "I bet you feel pretty guilty," he smirked.

"Um, yeah... why?" Holly J raised her eyebrows, wondering where he was going with his comment.

"Feeling guilty enough to throw me some pity sex?" his smirk grew bigger.

Holly J grabbed his pillow and threw it at him. "Declan!" she shrieked, acting more offended than she actually was.

"_What?_ Fiona never has to know!" he laughed, using his arms to defend himself against the continued pillow blows Holly J swung at him. The smiles on both their faces gave her hope that things were going to be okay.

* * *

><p>Holly J walked back to her dorm, unable to wipe the smile off her face. She was more than excited to fill in Fiona about how well her talk went with Declan. Now that their main roadblock was worked out, she couldn't help but fantasize about what it would be like having a real relationship with Fiona. She thought about walking around New Haven, just holding her hand and showing her around; she couldn't wait to do just that.<p>

She unlocked her door, beaming as she opened it. But the room was empty.

She walked over to her bed, dropping her purse to the ground with one hand, and picking up the handwritten note that lay on her comforter with the other.

_Holly J,_

_I love you, but it's more than just the issue with Declan. It's an issue with me. I'm sorry._

_Fi_

Holly J dropped the note to the floor, sinking into her bed. Her face was expressionless; she didn't know what to feel. But she certainly no longer felt that things were going to be okay.

* * *

><p><em>Author's Note: Sorry for taking so long to update. I hope you like the new chapter, I felt like Holly J and Declan needed a happy scene for a change. By the way, a little FYI, each chapter is named after a song that I think fits the tone of that particular chapter. I had originally intended to put lyrics in each chapter as I did in the first few, but since it didn't always fit in quite right, I figured I would take this opportunity to give you all the artists to go with the song titles, so you know which songs I'm referencing. I happen to like listening to music while reading, so anyway, thus far we've got: <em>

_Story Title: Mess by Ben Folds Five_

_Chapter 1: Not The Same by Ben Folds (if you cannot tell… I like Ben Folds)_

_Chapter 2: Desire by U2_

_Chapter 3: So Long by Guster_

_Chapter 4: Writing To Reach You by Travis_

_Chapter 5: Somewhere In Between by Lifehouse_

_Chapter 6: Frozen by Madonna_

_Chapter 7: Mother by Pink Floyd_

_Chapter 8: A Bad Dream by Keane_

_Chapter 9: Warning Sign by Coldplay_

_Chapter 10: Policy of Truth by Depeche Mode_

_Chapter 11: Don't Speak by No Doubt_

_Chapter 12: There Goes The Fear by Doves_

_And from now on I'll just cite the artist. Thank you for reading and please review :)_


	13. How

**Mess**

_Chapter 13: How_

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><p><em>Time can come and wash away the pain. But I just want my mind to stay the same. To hear your voice. To see your face. There's not one moment I'd erase. You are a guest here now. So baby how can I forget your love? How can I never see you again?<em>

Holly J looked at the letter for the four hundredth time. It'd been almost a month.

_It's an issue with me. _

She didn't know what that meant exactly, but it wasn't for lack of contemplating. Holly J had gone through all the possibilities in her mind. Fiona could be referring to her alcoholism. That was the obvious indication. But she have a feeling it was more than that.

_It's like I'm not build the same way_.

Fiona had once told her that. Holly J had always thought that once Fiona had realized she was gay, she would be fulfilled – that had been the answer she'd been looking for. But what if it wasn't? She only made that assumption; there certainly could have been more that the girl needed. Fiona had struggled with loneliness for a long time, and had often acted out to get attention in the past. All of that seemed to cease once Holly J had truly become her friend. They had a unique friendship. Holly J knew that even when Fiona first came back to Degrassi on her own. They had both needed each other, relied completely on each other. So it wasn't like Fiona to leave Holly J without explanation or any further contact. Something was really wrong and Holly J knew it. She just didn't know how to fix it.

Holly J had been fine. _Fine_. That was her response to anyone who'd asked. Most people believed her when she said it. Her mom believed her. Declan did not.

They'd finally repaired their broken friendship immediately before Fiona had left. She felt guilty blowing of his invitations to grab dinner or watch a movie. But Holly J didn't want to face him. She knew he'd ask about Fiona and then she'd have to talk about it. However, the more she avoided him, the more he knew something wasn't right.

Her phone buzzed and beeped and she sat up on her bed, reaching over to her desk to read it. _I'm coming over, Holly J. You've been dodging me long enough. _

"Shit," she muttered. She wrote back to Declan right away. _I'm out right now, sorry._

_Then why did I hear your phone beep? I'm outside your door._

Holly J sighed. She slid herself off her bed and trudged to the door, throwing her hair in a messy ponytail.

"Hey Declan," she greeted apathetically, opening the door and stepping aside for him to enter.

"Good to see you're okay," he responded. "I mean… are you okay?" He looked around the room cautiously, taking notice of the mess. Holly J wasn't an untidy person, so this was clearly a red flag.

"I'm _fine_, Declan." It was rehearsed at this point.

"Tell me what happened," he insisted, sitting down on her unmade bed. "Something with Fiona, right?"

Holly J shook her head, sitting down beside him. "Can we just… _not_ talk about it?"

"Okay," he agreed easily, leaning back against the wall. "What would you rather do?"

Holly J reached under her bed, revealing her hand clutched around the neck of a bottle of Jose Cuervo. She raised her eyebrows, questioning if he would partake.

"Really?" he sounded surprised.

"What? It's Friday, classes are out for the weekend," Holly J reasoned. She unscrewed the top and took a swig, the liquid burning her throat. She coughed a few times after she swallowed it; tequila wasn't exactly smooth going down. She extended the bottle toward Declan, who took it and followed suit.

Three swigs later, Holly J was leaning against the wall too. Her mind was getting numb, which was the effect she was looking for. She turned to Declan and giggled. "Your face is pink."

He took another gulp, exhaling dramatically afterward. "When did you start drinking?" he asked curiously, his eyes slanted, as if hard to keep open.

"I've only done it a few other times," she told him casually with a shrug. "Last Saturday… and then the Friday before that one. I've only just had this bottle here." She took it back from him and drank again. "I shared with my stupid roommate the first time. Then last weekend, I was alone."

"Why would you want to drink by yourself?" Declan questioned her, leaning his face on his hand.

"Makes me forget for a little bit," she admitted. That was the problem with tequila; it was truth serum. Holly J capped the bottle, rolling it back under her bed. She was plenty drunk already and Declan certainly was too, by the look of him.

"What did my sister do to you?" he assumed, shaking his head. "Do I need to go beat her up?"

Holly J sighed. "I guess she broke up with me. But maybe she didn't. I really don't know Declan. She hasn't spoken to me in a month though," she slurred a few of her words.

Declan sat up. "What? Why? That makes no sense! Fiona is crazy about you."

Holly J shook her head. "Apparently not."

"I'm sorry, HJ. Do you want me to talk to her?" he offered, putting a hand on her shoulder.

"No, don't bother. I've tried… she wants nothing to do with me," she sulked, her arms crossed.

Declan reached out and turned her chin to face him.

Holly J met his eyes. "Don't look at me like that, Declan," she warned.

"Like what?" he asked innocently.

"Like you still love me," she said brashly.

"But I do still love you," he told her.

Before she knew what was happening, Declan was kissing her. It was familiar and warm and it was a break from the loneliness that had been eating Holly J alive. She moved her lips against his, falling forward. She let herself go. Grabbing at his hair as he pulled at her shirt, she let it all happen. It was blurry, but it was an escape.

* * *

><p>Holly J's mind was clearer by the end of it. She wished it wasn't. Declan laid beside her in her bed. She clutched her sheet to her chest, shaking slightly. She wanted to cry, but she didn't want him to see her.<p>

Declan turned to her. "You okay, Holly J?" he asked softly, touching her shoulder.

She tensed. "I'm fine." The word didn't even have meaning anymore.

Declan retracted his hand. "Holly J…" he tried.

"I think you should go," she said distantly, her gaze on the ceiling.

"I think we should talk about this," he said, sitting up.

Holly J didn't move. "I don't."

Declan got up from the bed, pulling on his pants. "I meant what I said," he told her honestly, yanking his shirt over his head.

"I know," she said emotionlessly, tightening her jaw. She was fighting so hard against her tears.

He sat back down on the side of her bed after he was dressed. "Are you sure you want me to go?"

She nodded, still not making eye contact with him. It was almost comical how just minutes early they'd been in the most intimate position possible and now she couldn't even bear a glance at him.

Declan sighed, standing up. "Please call me when you're ready," he begged.

He walked out of her dorm and Holly J unclenched at the sound of the door latching behind him. She rolled over and sobbed into her pillow, gasping for air but only finding herself breathing in the plush of the material. She never felt so guilty. She'd used Declan. She'd betrayed Fiona. She'd broken herself. She thought of when she'd shared the same bed with Fiona and cried harder. Her last shred of hope was gone. She knew everything had to be over now. There was no coming back from this. Fiona would not forgive her this time and Holly J would never forgive herself.

* * *

><p><em>Chapter title and lyrics used by Regina Spektor - How<em>

_Please review! I apologize for the delay in updating, but thank you to all you faithful readers :)  
><em>


	14. Satellite Mind

**Mess**

_Chapter 14: Satellite Mind_

* * *

><p><em>I'm not suicidal. I just can't get out of bed. I drift into a deep fog. Lost where I forgot to hold it. I can feel you when I'm alone. I can feel your ghost when I'm alone.<em>

* * *

><p>It was coming upon winter break and Holly J wasn't doing well. She'd cut herself off even more than before, especially from Declan. She wouldn't return his calls, texts, or knocks at her dorm room door. When her phone rang for the third time that day, she finally looked at it. She was surprised to see it wasn't Declan this time, but instead, her mother.<p>

"Hey Mom," she answered quietly.

"Holly J, finally!" her mom's voice boomed through the speaker in her ear. "We haven't talked in weeks, is everything alright?"

"Yeah, it's fine. Just busy," she said lazily, she couldn't even be bothered to come up with a better excuse.

"Well I know your classes are ending this week for the semester so I just wanted to let you know that your father and I got you a plane ticket home for the holidays," her mother explained.

Holly J held back a groan. She knew it was coming up, but she hadn't really thought about when she'd have to go back home. She didn't want to do much of anything lately, and travelling back to Toronto didn't sound incredibly appealing to her in the least. "Oh."

"Well, don't sound too excited," her mom laughed. "Aren't you glad classes are ending and that you'll get to come home and see Fiona? Or, you know, your family?"

"Of course," Holly J responded through gritted teeth at the sound of Fiona's name. "Sorry, I've got to go. You know, finals."

"Okay, sweetie, I'll email you the ticket information, okay? Can't wait to see you soon," she could hear the smile in her mom's voice.

"Sure mom, thanks, can't wait to see you either," Holly J replied with as much agreeableness as she could muster.

She hung up the phone and lay back down on her bed. A month at home wasn't going to be easy. It was going to be hard for her to resist going to Fiona's, she knew that much. It was really the only thing she was motivated to do, but thankfully she had a half a day's drive barrier to keep her from trying. She'd already made the mistake of driving out there once, which had landed her in this mess to begin with.

* * *

><p>"You look thinner, honey, are you sure you're doing okay?" her mother asked with concern as she unloaded her suitcase from the car and carried it into the apartment.<p>

"Just stress from finals," Holly J assured her. "I didn't have much time to eat."

The truth was she just didn't have the appetite or the energy to drag herself to the dining hall more than once a day.

"Well, you'll eat dinner with us tonight, right?" her mom followed up.

"I actually promised Fiona I'd eat with her tonight, sorry," Holly J lied. She couldn't hand more questions all throughout dinner from her mom.

"Tomorrow then," her mother insisted.

Holly J nodded in agreement.

After unpacking a little bit, she looked at her watch. It was 5:00 and, knowing Fiona would be home, she couldn't stop herself from walking to her condo, despite the bitter cold outside.

* * *

><p>Holly J stood in the hallway for a full minute before knocking at the door. Fiona didn't want her even before her indiscretion, so she was completely certain she wouldn't want her now, after she'd slept with her brother. She knew there wasn't anything she could ever say to explain her mistake, yet here she was.<p>

As the door slowly opened, Fiona's mouth fell open. "Holly J," she whispered.

"Hey," Holly J said softly.

Fiona's lips were on hers immediately and Holly J was pushed backward into to hall before Fiona pulled her inside the condo, the door slamming behind them. The two staggered through the loft, their mouths fused as they found their way to her room, falling to her bed. There wasn't time to think, or that's what Holly J told herself, and they rediscovered each other, feeling for a short time as though no time or pain had passed at all.

* * *

><p>"I love you," Holly J told her. It was the first time they'd spoken since they stood in the doorway.<p>

"I love you too," Fiona said, her head warm on Holly J's chest.

"Then why did you leave?" Holly J asked the question that had been burning in her mind for almost two months.

Fiona sighed, taking a moment before she spoke. "Because I lose myself when I'm around you. I mean, look at us. I don't feel in control of myself when you're around. I see you and I lose all common sense. It scares me."

"Well clearly you have the same effect on me," Holly J chuckled as she spoke, even though she didn't really find it funny, the seriousness of the conversation was getting to her. "But maybe that's just because we love each other."

"But Holly J, you don't get it. I _need_ control. Without it, I'll relapse again," she exhaled and Holly J could feel it on her skin. She met Fiona's eyes, seeing the fear in them.

"Not if we're happy," Holly J justified.

"When have we ever been happy?" Fiona asked, shaking her head. "This whole thing has just been one fight or complication after the next."

"I'm happy here with you now," Holly J told her honestly. It was the best she'd felt since the last time she'd seen Fiona, the _only_ time she'd really felt happy since.

"Well, me too," Fiona agreed reluctantly. "But we can't build a relationship just on sex. There are too many other obstacles for us."

Holly J sighed deeply, knowing Fiona was right. The brunette hadn't even been told the greatest complication yet, but it would just be further evidence to her that they didn't belong together. "So what, then?" Holly J asked miserably. "We go back to being just friends? How are we supposed to do that?"

"I don't know, Holly J…. considering I can't even let you get through the doorway without kissing you," Fiona said with a sigh, her head falling back onto her pillow.

Holly J turned to her and propped herself up with her elbow. "I can't imagine not having you in my life," she said softly, biting her lip.

"Me neither," Fiona agreed, staring at the ceiling. "That's the problem."

"There's something else too…" Holly J started, guilt taking over as she watched Fiona struggle to come up with a solution. "I need to tell you something."

Fiona looked over at her, concerned, sensing Holly J's hesitation. "What is it?"

"I'm just afraid that you'll hate me forever… and you'll have every right to," Holly J wrinkled her brow, taking a nervous gulp.

"You're scaring me, Holly J," Fiona perked up, watching her. "What happened?"

"You have to understand that I've never felt this way about anyone before, Fiona. When you left… I was so heartbroken," Holly J explained, taking a deep breath. Fiona's face looked pained and Holly J immediately felt even further guilt-ridden for making her feel that way, when she was the one who deserve the blame. "What I mean is that I kind of shut things out for a while after you'd gone. I didn't want to talk to anyone, and… _Declan_, he got concerned that I hadn't answered any of his calls, so he came over one day."

Fiona stared at Holly J fearfully, without movement.

Holly J began to tear up as she continued. "We-we got drunk and I–we–it was a _huge_ mistake, Fiona…" The tears fell freely as she said her name

"No," she said quietly, shaking her head. "No." It sounded like she was trying to convince herself it wasn't true.

"I'm so sorry. It didn't mean anything, I swear," Holly J wept, now simply begging Fiona to somehow understand. The curly haired girl just shook her head in disbelief. "I was just so sad and lonely," Holly J persisted to rationalize, her voice strained. "And I felt so terrible afterward; all I could think about was you and how I was hurting you and how much it hurt me to do that to you."

Holly J found Fiona's eyes, but they looked broken. Fiona's jaw was tightened and her features covered in pain. She stared, searching for a shred of hope before she finally spoke. "Get out," she said, looking away.

"Fiona…" Holly J pleaded.

"I said _get out_," Fiona spoke sternly this time.

"I–" Holly J whimpered, sitting up.

"Get out of bed, out of my apartment, and out of my life!" Fiona shouted, her expression now full of rage as her chest heaved and tears streamed down her face.

Holly J cried harder, but obeyed, frantically collecting her clothes from about the room and pulling them on, not daring to look back at Fiona as she ran out of the bedroom.

* * *

><p><em>Chapter title and lyrics used by Metric – Satellite Mind. As always, sorry for the delay–I had some writer's block, but I managed a bit more angst for you all, please be sure to review :)<em>


	15. River

**Mess**

_Chapter 15: River_

* * *

><p><em>It's coming on Christmas, they're cutting down trees. They're putting up reindeer and singing songs of joy and peace. I wish I had a river I could skate away on.<em>

* * *

><p>Joining the Sinclairs at the dinner table, Holly J felt more disconnected than ever. Technically there was no biological bond tying her to them, but even after she had initially found out about her adoption, this feeling hadn't occurred. She hated feeling so helpless, it made her feel disconnected from even herself. She didn't feel like Holly J Sinclair anymore, at least not the hardworking, driven girl who everyone saw her as. Heather invited her to go Christmas shopping and she heard herself accept, knowing it was a necessity as the holiday rapidly approached.<p>

Holly J yawned as she walked beside Heather in the mall.

"Am I boring you?" her sister teased, elbowing her side.

Holly J shrugged. "Sorry, I'm just tired. Haven't been sleeping great," she admitted, likely due to exhaustion clouding her judgment.

"Ooo, what's keeping you up at night? A boy perhaps?" the twenty-five year old practically squealed at the concept.

"Not exactly," Holly J groaned. The opposite was more like it, but she wasn't about to give Heather anything else to investigate.

"Oh come on Holly J, you can tell me," Heather pried.

"There's nothing to tell," she assured her. "What about your love life?"

Heather grinned and began a very detailed story about a guy named Grant or something; Holly J promptly tuned her out, so she wasn't really sure. She looked around the mall aimlessly as her sister babbled on, her eyes landing on the window of the pet store, when a tiny, gray, stripped kitten pawed at the glass.

Before Holly J knew it she was walking over and crouching down in front of the display, meeting the soft yellow eyes.

"Uh… what are you doing?" Heather asked incredulously from behind her. "You just walked away from me in the middle of my story. Were you even listening?"

"Fiona would love him," Holly J smiled at the kitten, touching the glass with her fingertip and laughing as the small animal fell over trying to paw at it.

"You're going to buy your friend a cat? That's… weird," Heather said incredulously.

Holly J ignored her, standing up to enter the store. After talking to the man working there, she found that all the cats were available to be adopted as long as the owner covered the cost of vaccinations. She walked out of the store holding a little carrier with Calvin the kitten inside in one hand and all the other necessary cat care tools in the other.

"Well, that kind of puts a damper on our shopping trip," Heather frowned. "Guess we better be heading out."

Holly J looked at her apologetically. "Sorry, he was a bit of an impulse buy…"

"Well, he _is_ a cutie," Heather smiled and poked her finger in the carrier.

"How about we go shopping again tomorrow," Holly J suggested, smiling at her sister. It was funny how a little kitten could lift her mood so drastically. "I promise I won't buy any more living things."

"Deal," she agreed, taking a bag from Holly J to help balance her out.

* * *

><p>Holly J found a big red bow and a blank card. She sat at her desk, Calvin cuddled up in her lap. She knew she had to bring him to Fiona now; otherwise she'd fall even more in love with him and not be able to give him up. Also, with a week until Christmas, Holly J didn't know when Fiona would be leaving for New York, but it would probably be soon.<p>

_Fi, _she scribbled. _I love you. But since I don't deserve to be with you, I wanted you to at least have the love of this little guy. He came with the name Calvin, which is a bit chic and I thought you might like it. But you're of course welcome to change it to something even more fabulous if you want. I trust your judgment. Merry Christmas Fiona. Love, Holly J_

She licked the envelope closed and taped it to the top of the carrier, _Fiona_ in large lettering along with the bow, all while holding Calvin in her arms. She kissed him lightly on the nose and he purred as she scratched behind his ear. Regretfully placing him in the small cage, she borrowed her mom's car to drive over to Fiona's, taking along the rest of the supplies with her as well.

* * *

><p>She set everything up outside her door before knocking, Calvin front and center, waiting for Fiona to find him. Holly J tapped the door and then ran to the corner of the hallway, where she peaked around ever so slightly.<p>

Holly J caught a glance of Fiona's curls falling forward as she reached for the carrier. She stayed in the doorway as she read her letter.

"Holly J," Fiona called down the hall, even though Holly J was safely hidden behind a wall. "Why don't you come in for some cocoa or something, I know you're out there."

Holly J grinned, hearing the lack of anger in Fiona's words. After their last encounter, she was fairly certain the brunette would never speak to her again. She shyly took a step around the corner and bit back a full smile as she glimpsed Calvin already settled in Fiona's arms.

Fiona met Holly J's eyes with a warm hesitancy that made Holly J's heart flutter. The anger and the hurt that she'd seen in her eyes was gone now, replaced by a nervous sincerity that she recognized as the look Fiona used to give her long ago, when Holly J had been too blind to see what was right in front of her.

Holly J walked toward her slowly, stopping herself from sweeping her up and kissing her all over, her heart beating as she fought the urge. "You two look perfect together," Holly J spoke softly, glancing down at the kitten in Fiona's arms.

Fiona smiled involuntarily. "I love him already," she said seriously, unable to break her gaze from Holly J. She stepped aside and allowed Holly J to enter her condo, gesturing with her arm for her to come in.

She watched Fiona carry Calvin through her apartment like a baby and smiled to herself as they both meandered over to sit down on her couch.

Holly J wasn't sure if she should say anything, it was too good to be true that Fiona want to be around her at all, and she was afraid reminding her of her mistake would only break the unbelievable peace, even if it were for another apology.

"I'm tired of being mad at you," Fiona said finally, after what seemed like a very long silence, but was more likely just a few seconds. "But I'm even more tired of being sad and missing you." Fiona stroked Calvin as she spoke, looking down at him.

Holly J could feel the tears welling in her eyes. "Fiona, I-"

"I know," Fiona cut her off before she could even figure out what the words she was looking for were. "Nothing can erase what happened. But that doesn't stop me from missing you terribly."

"I miss you too," Holly J uttered almost inaudibly. She saw tears running down Fiona's cheeks and she couldn't help it, she moved closer to her without a thought and ran her thumb under each other her eyes slowly, wiping away the moisture. "Please don't cry, baby," Holly J whispered as she kissed both of her cheeks.

Fiona met her eyes as Holly J lifted her lips from the soft skin of her cheeks. "I just want to feel happy, at least for a little while," the brunette told her, her voice whimpering in a way that made Holly J's heart break. Holly J had a feeling she knew what Fiona was suggesting, but she recognized that jumping back into bed with her would only serve to make things worse. When Fiona set Calvin down beside them and reached out to grab the back of Holly J's neck though, the redhead couldn't exactly push her away either.

Fiona kissed her with the full force of her body, but Holly J took all she had to resist her want to mirror her actions; instead moving her lips slowly and softly. After a few moments, Fiona withdrew her hands from under Holly J's blouse, which she'd been immediately trying to tear off as she had during her last visit. She kissed her back gently and Holly J pulled her into an embrace as she sat upward, breaking their lips apart.

"You don't want to…" Fiona started.

"Of course I do," Holly J assured her quickly. "But I feel happy just holding you like this. Maybe we could be happy for tonight if we just stayed this way."

Fiona stared at her a moment before nodding. Calvin waddled over to her on the couch and Fiona adjusted herself, placing the kitten on her lap and leaning her head on Holly J's shoulder.

"We could watch your favorite Christmas movie," Holly J suggested and smiled when she saw Fiona light up at the idea. She got up to put in the _It's A Wonderful Life _DVD in the tray before hurrying back to snuggle on the couch with the girl she loved. She could feel the warmth of Fiona's breath on her neck as the movie began, and Holly J reveled in this perfectly impossible moment.

* * *

><p><em>Chapter title and lyrics used by Joni Mitchell – River. I'm sorry for the delay as usual, school's been kicking my ass and you're really only getting this chapter as a result of my procrastination. But I hope you all enjoyed the random Christmas chapter and the little bit of break from angst, I know the last few chapters have been tough on everyone, including me, haha. Please review and I think the next one should be a shorter wait!<br>_


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